If you’re just starting out in the lifestyle, chances are you’ll make a few mistakes along the way. (Spoiler: we all did...) And honestly? That’s part of the journey. But knowing what traps most newbies fall into can help you enjoy a smoother start.

Here are four of the most common “oops” moments couples experience, and a tip from your favourite guide on what to do instead.

Many couples attach themselves a bit too much to the first people they connect with, almost like old-school monogamous dating. You click with a couple, have your first group playtime, and suddenly feel like you shouldn’t play with others because it might hurt their feelings. Or maybe you even romanticize the sparking connection and start treating it like a new relationship.

Here’s the thing: swinging is not monogamous dating. You’re allowed (and encouraged!) to explore, meet different people, and try different experiences. That doesn’t make your connection with one couple any less special, it just means you’re shifting from a monogamy mindset to a non-monogamy one.

A lot of newbies go into their first parties with a defined agenda: find the perfect couple, meet a unicorn, have full swap before midnight. When that doesn’t happen, they feel like they “failed.”

Instead of forcing a specific goal, I suggest you go in with the mindset of meeting open-minded people and seeing what unfolds. Success might look like having a fun conversation, enjoying the atmosphere, or flirting without pressure or judgment. Sometimes that leads to play, sometimes it doesn’t. And every pleasant evening should be considered a win.

This one goes both ways: some couples create way too many hyper-specific rules (like “you can kiss but only if it’s with another woman and not in the jacuzzi”), while others set almost none at all. Both extremes usually backfire.

Think of it this way: rules should protect you from your absolute “no-go’s,” not map out every possible scenario in advance. You can’t draw a perfect map of places you’ve never been. Instead, focus on staying connected with your partner and check in along the way. That openness will serve you much better than trying to script every detail.

Ah, the classic. You made a rule that you’ll always play together, but suddenly you find yourself with a couple where the connection isn’t mutual. One of you is into it, the other isn’t… and instead of speaking up, someone gives in “for the team.”

The problem? Doing things just to please your partner (or to avoid rejecting or offending others) leads to resentment and potentially very bad experience for you. Enthusiastic consent should always matter. If both of you aren’t excited, it’s okay to politely bow out. There will always be other opportunities.

These mistakes are common because they come from a good place: wanting to protect each other, avoid awkwardness, or make the most of your night. But when you know what to look out for, you can avoid the classic newbie traps and enjoy the adventure with confidence.

If this article resonated within you, you’ll love the Playful Partners COURSE FOR COUPLES! Inside, we go deeper into topics like shifting out of monogamous thinking, defining boundaries and rules that actually work, and navigating challenges like jealousy. Plus all the fun stuff, from choosing the best events to creating a sexy online profile.